Bullying and Obesity

Regarding the study that just came out in Pediatrics, demonstrating that obese kids get bullied more than their peers: There’s something that wasn’t as widely publicized.

Fat Kids Also Become Bullies. When compared to their normal weight peers, the overweight children in the study were 6 times more likely to become bullies.

Humans are social animals.  Pack animals.  And the “Us vs Them” mentality is deeply programed in our primate heritage. Anything that makes you stand out from the group draws attention – how you deal with that attention will determine your social standing (or isolation).

Being fat definitely distinguishes a kid from his or her peers.  And makes them an easy target for bullying. If it’s handled with strength and confidence, the pack will (sometimes grudgingly) open its ranks, or at the very least, cease hostilities. If the bullying is met with weakness (fear, emotional instability, etc), the pack unites against the ‘outsider’.

A bullied child who doesn’t get proper guidance will make the obvious and primitive leap of reasoning that to get in with the pack, they’ve got to act like the pack. They’ll try to elevate themselves by trampling someone else. To paraphrase Newton, “Shit will continue to roll downhill unless acted upon by an outside force”.

Parents- that outside force is YOU.

Next Post: What you CAN do – positive action steps you can take immediately.

Bullying and Obesity

Wedgie Warning!

Before anyone gets their thong in knot, please take the following inoculation: The measure of a man (or woman) is NOT their physical attributes, their temporary personal circumstances, or their material belongings.  I have a spacious heart, full of love. And to the best of my ability, I do not judge others.  But I do EVALUATE.  It’s not my intention to hurt anyone’s feelings by sharing my observations and opinions.  But as Benjamin Franklin said, “The sting in any rebuke comes from the truth”
http://www.usatoday.com/news/health/weightloss/2010-05-03-chubbykidsbullied03_ST_N.htm?csp=3

From Professor Obvious and the crack research team at “Duhhh” University…

According to a major study just published online in the journal Pediatrics: fat kids are targeted for bullying  significantly more often than  their peers. Up to 63% more.

Shocking, right?

Every news outlet reporting on this breaking story (*ahem*) then went on to quote experts on the  serious and detrimental effects of bullying, including damaged self-esteem and arrested social development.  Several of the cited authorities then cited how complex obesity is- even going so far as to describe it as a “brain disorder”.

My Turn:

It goes without saying….
Bullying Is NOT Cool.  Or acceptable. Or excusable.  It doesn’t matter if a kid is fat or skinny or nerdy or “gay”. No one has the right to right to kick another person in their human dignity. Social cruelty is bad behavior and it needs to be corrected. Adults don’t have to micro-manage every childhood interaction, but they do need to play the part of a good coach – standing on the sidelines, and pumping the plays onto the field.

Raising an Obese Child = Child Abuse. If a neighbor or teacher noticed a kid who appeared underfed, you can bet that Social Services would be notified to investigate.  If there was any evidence at all that the parents in question were withholding food, they would be criminally charged and their kid would be taken away.
Why is it that a parent can gorge a child, over-stuffing them until their skin strains to contain them, and no one makes a peep?
Fat kids develop diabetes.  Arterial plaque and other cardiovascular diseases. Breathing problems.  And of course, they’re lightning rods for peer abuse.

Allowing this to happen to a child  is shameful, bordering on wicked.

It’s Live!

http://www.totalbullysolution.com

Open Letter to the Angry Mother Who Stormed Out of the Academy Last Night

That was quite an exit. The way you turned your back on me, threw your nose up and stomped out of the dojo dragging your child by the arm was … notable. Actually several of the other parents did comment on your behavior; they were a little stunned and embarrassed at the spectacle.

You’re upset.  I get it. I know why. While your daughter was sparring, she got hit in the gut and started to cry. All of your parental lights and sirens blew up at once.  I can totally empathize.

Please understand- I am a MARTIAL ARTS instructor. I take my job and the responsibilities that come with it very seriously.

Let’s get some clarity.
When kids spar, they’re closely supervised. No head contact, no kicks to the legs. Full protective gear (boots, gloves, helmet). Everyone is matched according to size and experience. The idea is to apply the techniques they’ve learned with control – in other words, hit the other person and not get hit.

When your daughter got tagged:

• I instantly stopped the match
• Gave her a few moments to catch her breath
• Encouraged her to finish strong and throw punches for just another 10 seconds
• Instructed the other child to play defense while she went on offense

After the match, I told her that I was very proud of her. Then we walked together to the sink so she could wash her face and compose herself. By the time class bowed out, she was fine, save for an occasional sniffle.

No head trauma.  No neck injury. No broken bones or dislocated joints. No sprains.  Not 1 scrape, not 1 bruise.

When learning to ride a bike, a child is going to fall. In soccer, sometimes kids get kicked in the shins. In baseball, a batter occasionally gets beaned by a pitch. In ballet, dancers are expected to practice until their feet are literally raw.  In martial arts, once in a while a kid gets hit in the tummy.

Those experiences are essential. When handled properly, a child learns how to deal with frustration. They learn that they’re actually durable.  They learn how to regulate themselves.  “Protecting”  a kid by encasing them in body armor is like “helping” a baby chick free itself from their egg; in stealing their struggles, you deprive them of the strength they’ll need to survive.

You had enrolled your daughter in class because she was lacking self-confidence.  She’s shy. She has a gentle heart, and you’re concerned that she might be taken advantage of.  You wanted her to have real-world self-defense

In the 6 months she’s been training, she’s made fantastic progress. Judging from your demeanor tonight, I suspect that progress is going to stop abruptly because you’re probably going to yank her out of the program. Doing that will teach her that she’s fragile.  That it’s okay to quit when the going gets tough. Running from your fears is perfectly acceptable.  Are those really the lessons you want her to take away?

Just days ago, I read a horrible news story about a 15 year old girl who was viciously attacked by a boy in school.  He beat her savagely, kicking her with steel toed boots and stomping on her head. Right now she’s laying in a hospital bed, clinging to life.  If she does pull through, she’ll have permanent brain damage. Reports like that are in the news every week – and for every one that makes the headlines, there are hundreds that don’t.

The trend in my industry is moving toward daycare. Forms, games and gymnastic stunts. Black belt in two years, even if you’re only 11. Let me tell you what happens to these kids when they have to defend themselves- they fail hard.  They get humiliated.  And hurt. I won’t have that on my conscience.

If, heaven forbid, your daughter is ever attacked, its not going to be in a clean, well lit, matted dojo. The other kid wont be a friend and team mate.  And no one is going to be there to rescue her if she starts to cry.

I’m not running a Spartan boot camp or MMA dungeon. There’s plenty of time for laughter and fun. But the focus is on training. The curriculum here includes moderate contact sparring. Perhaps that makes me a dinosaur. So be it.

Your daughter is a wonderful kid.  If she’s a little gun-shy, I’ll work with her until she gets her confidence up, just like I’ve done with scores of kids before.

I sincerely hope she continues her training here. The choice is yours to make.

~Sensei

Being Bullied? Anti-Bullying Lessons From Back to the Future *Part II*

In the last post, I talked about some of the anti-bullying messages from the classic movie trilogy, Back to the Future.  Here’s the other  half of the lesson:

• SOMETIMES, YOU NEED MORE THAN WORDS TO MAKE YOUR POINT. George McFly finally makes his stand when he discovers his sweetheart being assaulted by Biff in a parked car at the school dance. Who can forget George dramatically closing his fingers into a solid fist, and delivering one of the most celebrated knock outs in cinematic history? In one moment, George gets the girl, ends Biff’s reign of terror, and earns the admiration and respect of his peers and his son.

LESSON- sometimes, using force is the only viable option.  Sometimes, it’s the only ethical course of action!

• DON’T EVER TINKER WITH THE SPACE/TIME CONTINUUM.   It’s dangerous.  ‘Nuff said.

• ASSERTIVENESS IS KING.  Following the parking lot incident, George is dancing with Lorraine when one of his classmates (who apparently didn’t get the memo that George was now a man to be reckoned with) rudely cuts in. Will George revert back to his old meek, weak and self-doubting ways?  Not a chance. The interloper is quickly and firmly ‘cut out’, the dance continues, and the new romance glows a little hotter.

LESSON- the path between passivity and aggression is the best course.  Assertiveness is a pattern of behavior – an energy- that announces the courtesy and respect you show for others is expected in return, and its well deserved.

• TIME TRAVEL IS VERY REAL – AND THAT’S GOOD NEWS  FOR EVERYONE. No, you can’t hop into a tricked out sports car and fly into the past, or set the controls so you can skip decades into the future.  But all of us are traveling forward through time, every day and every moment. Doc Brown’s happy philosophical musing at the end of the last installment is both optimistic and uplifting: The future is not pre-ordained.

LESSON-  We have the power to create our own destiny.

Being Bullied? Anti-Bullying Strategies You Can Learn From Marty McFly *Part I*

If I Knew Then What I Kn0w Now...

This weekend, my girlfriend and I re-watched  the entire Back to the Future trilogy.  What excellent movies – each one is a classic!

I got to thinking about how the seemingly insignificant choices we all make during the course of an average day can have major consequences-  and how the big decisions can send reverberations far into the future.  A committed decision, coupled with action can change the course of your life!

As you probably remember, Marty and Doc Brown hopscotch from past to present to future in a time-traveling Deloiran.  During the course of their adventures, Marty and Doc have to: play matchmaker to Marty’s parents, prevent Hill Valley from degenerating into a crime infested cesspool, and rescue Doc from getting gunned down in the Old West.  Any misstep could unravel history, and at every turn they’re thwarted by some incarnation of the malevolent Arch Bully, Biff Tannin.

*Ah, now you see I’m headed somewhere with this.

O.K. – Back to the Future is wonderfully entertaining – but can you actually learn anything from a 25 year old sci-fi action comedy?  I think so.

Here’s the Take Away:

• APPEASEMENT NEVER WORKS.  Marty’s father, George, graduates from doing Biff’s homework to doing his corporate projects.  He let Biff take his hat.  When Biff crashed the McFly family car, George was the one to apologize!  ‘Ol wishy-washy George just shrugged and tried to laugh it off.
  • LESSON- A bully will NEVER by your buddy – its futile and counterproductive to even think it’s possible.  Give in to a bully’s demands, and you’ll be hit with bigger demands.  The extortion will never stop.

• THE BULLY WILL HAVE A CREW – DOING THIS WILL DISBAND THEM IN A HURRY. Biff always had backup- either high school hangers on, or paid henchmen, or a gang and this multiplied the difficulties in avoiding him or facing him down.
  • LESSON- The trick to eliminating this numerical advantage can be found in Zecheriah 13:7- “Strike the shepherd and the sheep will scatter”.  If you can take out the lead bully with a decisive move (which doesn’t necessarily  need to be physical), or strategically undermine their social standing and popularity, the bully’s power will be greatly reduced, and their posse will scatter

• DON’T LET ANYONE PUSH YOUR BUTTONS – STAY COOL! Marty had a ‘fatal flaw’.  This fault consistently led him to make terrible choices; because of it, he might have doomed himself to a miserable life in the second movie, or get even get killed in the 3^rd! Marty’s major malfunction?  He went nuts whenever anyone questioned his courage. Whenever he was called a “chicken” or “yellow belly” or “coward”,  Marty would invariably take the bait and do something stupid.
  • LESSON- getting emotional floods your brain with chemicals that make you irrational and prevent you from thinking clearly.  When you allow other people to control you, you become their puppet, and you lose.  Stay centered and you’ll never be goaded into  playing an enemies game.

** Part II will reveal 4 more critical ‘secrets’ about how to deal with bullies.

She’s Not Actually A “Doctor” Doctor….

"I think I'd like a second opinion"

From an article posted on Suite 101:

“Bullying At School- Tips For Helping A Child Dealing With Bullies”

Okay… I’m on-board, maybe there’s something new or useful I can learn. The article establishes that bullying is a problem (we’re all agreed)  and it can be ‘vexing’ for parents (yea – got it).

The article then goes on to provide some specific strategies that a parent can use to help their kid.  (Getting to the good stuff now!) The ‘expert’ they cite is Dr. Michelle Borba,  described as a “child expert, educational consultant and author”. The lady is clearly well educated, and she’s been on TV, so you know she’s got some mojo, right?

Her tips are as follows:

• Encouraging the child to stay with groups of friends as much as possible
• Building the child’s self esteem
• Explain to the child that fighting back is not a sensible option (aggression tends to feed more aggression from the bully)
• Ensure the child understands it is not his fault

Now I’m thinking, “come on, you’re kidding, right?” So I do some research. Ms. Borba isn’t a doctor, she holds a “Ed.D” degree. I don’t know if she’s intentionally trying to mislead people by pumping up her credentials, or if she’s just really that full of herself, but I find it irritating and less than truthful.

Yes, technically a PhD is a doctorate degree.  To every PhD who introduces themselves as “doctor”‘…. let me clue you in.  It’s meaningless outside of your organization.  Everyone thinks you’re a pompous tool. When I answer the phone or make a dinner reservation or meet someone socially, I don’t refer to myself as “Sensei”.  (To my fellow martial arts brothers and sisters – when you step out of your academy, drop the “sensei”  bit. Seriously.  No one cares. And if you go around calling yourself “Master” or “Grand Master”, you need a reality check)

Let’s apply the light of logic and common sense to her suggestions and see how well they hold up.

*  “stay with friends” – a large component of bullying is social isolation and exclusion… so we can strike that one.
*  “build a child’s self-esteem” – contrary to pop psych cliches, self-esteem is not a magic bullet. Bullies themselves have high self-esteem. (strike 2)
*  “fighting back is not a sensible option” – passively taking a beating IS  a sensible option? Would she personally allow an attacker to batter her and just wait until they get bored and stop? Of course not.  So why would she advise a vulnerable child to do it? (strike 3)
* “its not his or her fault”.  It may not be that child’s fault, but it certainly IS their responsibility to handle it. Not the responsibility of a friend, or bystander, or teacher or lawmaker. And its a parent’s responsibility to ensure their son or daughter is equipped to cope with life as it happens.

To paraphrase Maxwell Smart – There’s a doctor who can instantly solve all your child’s bullying problems. Okay, would you believe there’s a Ph.D of education with some practical advice?  No? How about a Girl Scout selling cookies?

The Secret Weapon Against Bullying *Part IV*

Trouble-Shooting, Q&A

* Wandering Mind-
That happens.  It’s part of the practice.  When your mind wanders,you can re-focus on your breathing or think of a trigger word to center yourself. (Tranquility.  Peace. Gratitude. Joy.)

* Anxiety-
Sometimes that happens too. Being alone inside your mind with no distractions can be a scary experience.  If you’re experiencing mild anxiety, shorten your next sitting and work through it.  If mindfulness meditation is triggering panic attacks for your child, this mode of practice isn’t for them.  They’ll get more out of some kind of moving meditation

* “I can’t (my child can’t) kneel like that”
If there’s some kind of legitimate physical limitation, you certainly can sit in a straight backed chair. You can also sit on a cushion to relieve the compression in your knees.

* “This is uncomfortable.  It hurts.”
Correct. That’s all part of  it. Remember, we aren’t trying to ‘transcend’ anything – we are seeking to experience things fully and at the same time, remain de-attached. You become aware of your mind as its working – for example, “hm. My legs hurt.  Hm.  That was a thought.” People in their 60′s, 70′s and beyond hold seiza for periods of up to 45 minutes.  They’re flesh and blood and bone just like you.  Suck it up.

* “It’s never quiet enough around here”
Unless you’re going to sit on the moon, there’s going to be some ambient noise.  Maybe a plane passing overhead, or a droplet of water falling from the kitchen faucet. The trick is not to resist. Acknowledge, accept, and freely let it pass.

* “Can’t I do this laying down?”
Short answer- No. You’ll wind up falling asleep. (I’m all in favor of naps, but this isn’t that)

* “Am I doing this right?”
A more productive question might be, “Am I doing this well?”. There’s no one right way.  The import thing is working the basic concepts, and being consistent.  As you meditate, you’ll begin to see that just as you don’t “need” to scratch your nose the second it itches, or speak when a thought pops into your head. Soon, you’ll see some cool things start happening in your life.  You won’t “need” to eat that slab of cake just because you want to.  You won’t “need” to contradict someone if you feel they’re wrong. You won’t “need” to act-out when you get angry.

To paraphrase Viktor Frankl, you’ll understand that between stimulus and response, there’s a tiny pause, and in that space is your ability to choose.

How Does Any Of This Help A Kid Beat A Bully?

No matter what kind of situation you find yourself, there’s one variable that you can control.  You.
Imagine a kid who’s being teased, or insulted or intimidated.  Instead of reacting with fear or anger or sadness, they are calm. They don’t permit anyone to push their buttons, because they are in full possession of themselves. That child now can make a rational evaluation about what to do. If the mindful child determine the instigators are just making a lot of noise, they can choose not to be bothered, thus removing the bullies prime reward.
If they actually have to defend themselves, they’ll be far more effective because they’ll have a clear head, and will be 100% committed to the fight.

Any way you look at it, its a win.

The Secret Weapon For Overcoming Bullies *Part III*

The Nuts and Bolts of Mindfulness Meditation

• Environment- A quiet place where there wont be any interruptions or disturbances (turn the telephone off).
• Position and Posture- Kneeling. (In the Japanese Zen tradition, this is called seiza). Tops of the feet and shins are flat on the floor, and buttocks rests on the heels. Back straight, head up.  Hands can rest on the thighs or be folded in the lap.
• Breathing. Through the nose.  Slowly and rhythmically, from the lower abdomen- not the chest or shoulders.
• Progressive Relaxation. Starting from the top of the head and working down, release any unnecessary tension.
• Focus.
  • Some people count their breaths. In is ‘one’ out is ‘two’. At ‘ten’, reverse the cycle and start counting backwards.
  • Some people visually focus on a point in space.
  • Some focus on nothing in particular, but try to keep their mind tranquil.
• Attention.
  • Tune into your physical body. Balance and posture.  Breathing.  Heart rate. Temperature. Every internal sensation and every feeling on the surface of your skin. Experience all of them and do nothing.
  • Tune into your emotions. Don’t judge, just observe.
  • Tune into your thoughts. As they arise, imagine they’re like bubbles and watch them float away.
  • Tune into your environment. Notice the minute details, the faintest sounds and smells.

Do Not:

• Fidget. Don’t adjust, don’t stretch, don’t scratch, don’t look around.
• Wander. This is not the time to think about the future or the past. This is the time to think about here and now.
• Obsess. Instead, practice letting go. Just release.

Goal
Just sit. Be still.

“Okay.  Eyes Open”
At the conclusion of your session, smile and take a deep cleansing breath. Exhale slowly and fully.  Say, “I feel fantastic”.     Take your time standing up.
For a lot of kids, a few moments of silent, still introspection are amazing.

Meditation For Kids *Part II*

Let’s take a peek inside the world of the average child. Growing up isn’t all ice-cream, rainbows and puppy dog kisses.  There’s lots of stress, confusion, fear and disappointment. Plus, virtually every aspect of their lives is regulated to some degree by adults- from the moment the alarm goes off to the moment they’re sent to bed. Not surprisingly, kids frequently ‘sleep-walk’ through big chunks of their day as they fulfill other people’s expectations.

Although there are many school of meditation, I’m going to over-simplify things a bit and divide this list into 4 (slightly overlapping) categories. All of them have their advantages. (I’m leaving out religious/spiritual meditations and ‘trance states’ brought about through chanting, twirling, etc).

• Guided Meditation. This is kind of a hypnotic state (self-induced or led by another person). Guided meditation involves a quiet narrative, mental visualization and positive affirmations / suggestions.
• Moving Meditation. Some examples of this are tai chi, yoga, swimming laps and even long solitary walks in nature. As breathing and motion synchronize, the mind opens and clears.
• Focused Meditation.  This deals with focusing on something outside of yourself: rhythmic music, a candle flame, or some object.
• Mindfulness Meditation. Mindfulness means deliberate awareness in the present moment, free of judgement.

For our purposes, I’m going to key in on Mindfulness Meditation.

But before launching into the instruction and application segments, please heed this warning: as an adult, teaching a kid, you better know what you’re doing. Reading this article is an excellent start, but it will not make you an expert.  Get some books. Take out a few instructional DVD’s from the library. Maybe even find a qualified,experienced and professional instructor and take lessons. Remember, kids are like sponges- if you’re involved in a personal development program, they’ll sense your credibility. (And besides, with so much to gain, it pays to do it right).  I strongly encourage you to participate with your kid; just giving instructions and holding a stop watch isn’t nearly as effective.

Preparation

Children (and a lot of adults) have pre-conceived and incorrect ideas about meditation, so its worth while to take a few moments and set the record straight.

• Only holy men meditate.  Actually, meditation is for everyone.  You don’t need to be a guru or monk.  People from all walks of life do it: champion athletes, top musicians, respected professors, successful business people, and home makers.
• You can get psychic powers.  Uh, no. It doesn’t give you the ability to read minds, see the future, move objects with brainwaves or zip around the universe in an astral body. Sorry.
• You’ve got to do weird stuff, like sit in a lotus position and chant. In fact, you can meditate while kneeling or sitting in a chair.  And while some people do chant, many others don’t.  And we aren’t going to.

Another school of thought is to skip this step entirely. Don’t make it such a big deal.

Introduction
Like a lot of things in life, this is as complicated as you want to make it. Keep in mind- you’re teaching a child. Keep your expectations realistic.  Your kid isn’t going to sit still for half an hour.  Two or three minutes is plenty to start with – and for some kids, even one minute is respectable.

Keep your explanation simple brief. Tell them what they’re going to do, how to do it, and for how long. And set a goal- tell them what they’re trying to accomplish. Do NOT do a “brain dump” and overload them with a gazillion details. Provide a few points on posture,  one or two things they might focus on, and the guidelines (“When you get into position, take a moment or two and get comfortable. Once we begin, you stay still.”).

And answer the big question.  Why.  One basic and elegantly clear answer goes like this:
“Most people don’t realize this, but their mind is like a dog. Sometimes its lazy and doesn’t want to do anything. Sometimes it gets all excited, and runs around like crazy. Dogs will chase birds, bark at people, roll in the grass, run around, sniff everything, and make a mess. And most people spend their lives chasing after their thoughts like they’d chase after a crazy dog. What we’re going to do now is like training that dog to behave. So when you give your mind a command, it will obey.”

In the next post, I’ll cover the actual nuts and bolts of how to practice.